Evidence of learning

The win—win situation

A HIGHLY effective way of giving our children more control over their lives without any risk to themselves — and stopping them bucking against 'authority' — is to introduce options. Every situation becomes win—win.

Twelve-year-old Angela was due to go home one weekend but, because her last visit had been problematic, her local authority social worker felt restrictions had to be introduced to ensure that this visit had a better chance of going well. The social worker came up to Fellside to discuss what we would do and agreed to the options that I suggested. These were, first, that Angela could go home from Friday until Sunday and that she would agree to a visit from a member of our staff on the Saturday. Secondly, she could choose to go home from Saturday until Sunday, and would speak to a staff member on the phone. Thirdly, she could choose not to go home at all.

Presented with these options, Angela considered carefully and chose the first, as I had expected she would. If, however, I had merely told her that she could go home on Friday and a staff member would visit her on Saturday, she would have objected volubly. This way, the choice was her own.

Fortunately, Angela now accepts that life doesn't always work out as planned and that, for this reason, we never make absolute promises. On this occasion, despite the social worker's recommendation, her team manager decided to veto Angela's returning on Friday.

As I am writing this, I have a meeting scheduled with Angela for after lunch to tell her she cannot have her choice. I will say something to make her mindful of her growing behavioural skills, such as, "You've moved on a lot since I first met you, haven't you, Angela?" She will know at once that something is wrong, but an expectation about positive behaviour will also be activated. I'll give her the facts and I may briefly have to hold her back from lashing out. Then I will calm her because, until she is calm, it will be pointless to say any more. Although she will be very upset, we will be able to talk through it, because of all the hard work she has done so far.

I imagine she will cry and say, "It's unfair!" and I will agree with her. "Yes, at the moment, it does seem unfair, because you are making such great progress." At some point I will ask, "What do you want to do about it?" and allow her to wrestle some control back for herself. I won't expect her to go back to class, unless she chooses to. She might decide to phone to complain to her children's rights officer, or to help in the kitchen, or to go off by herself to tidy her room and have a cry. Most likely, she will arrange to go and help out at the local riding stables, where she is welcome any time.

It will be difficult for her for a while but I am confident that she will be fine, and that there will not be a major setback. For her expectation from her work with us here is that external setbacks have temporary effects, if we make good use of our internal resources.

Fred Grist

<<BACK TO ARTICLE Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

© Human Givens Publishing Limited, Mike Beard and Fred Grist (2006)

This article first appeared in Volume 13, No, 1 (2006) of the Human Givens journal

FRED GRIST is principal of TheSPACE, which he founded in 2000 along with senior administrator, (and partner) Jane Leeson. He has nearly 30 years' teaching experience,the latter half spent teaching, or, as a head, in residential special schools in the North West. For a number of years, he was Chair of the Cumbria Registration and Inspection Unit. He holds the Human Givens Diploma.

MIKE BEARD became director of therapeutic services for TheSPACE in September 2004. He previouslly worked within Devon Local Education Authority, where his work focused on the development and delivery of training for health and education professionals working with vulnerable young children. He has also worked for the Criminal Justice Service and at a strategic level within ther Connexions service. He holds the Human Givens Diploma.

> More information can be found in the following book, by Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrrell

Human Givens: A new approach to emotional health and clear thinking

> You can find out more on the issues raised in this article at the following MindFields College workshops:

How to deal with bullying and its effects

'Every child does matter' - How to transforms the lives of challenging children and adolescents