Book Review
The Gift of not Belonging
by Dr Rami Kaminski (Scribe, 2025)
According to American psychiatrist Rami Kaminski, one can be other than either extravert or introvert; he calls it being an otravert – “facing in a different direction” and having an innate (so he asserts) lack of need to belong. Belonging, he asserts, is “merely a feeling”, which he distinguishes from connection, the former requiring feeling ‘at one’ with a specific group of people, whether through shared community or race, ethnicity, sexual orientation or religion. Otroverts don’t identify. They tend to be happiest in their own company, although they can shine socially and love the limelight if they have a specific role. But they don’t have a communal impulse.
Kaminski owns to being an otrovert himself and he paints a very positive picture of this group he has created (or, as he might prefer to say, identified – I would prefer if he had talked about some people being otraverted, rather than manufacturing yet another identity group).
Otroverts don’t like small talk, don’t thrive in large gatherings, hate enforced group activities but are likely to have individual close friends. They don’t have autism or ADHD. They don’t seek approval from ‘the group’ and are happy to have ideas and beliefs that don’t fit with those of others. In his work as a psychiatrist Kaminski has met countless young people sent to him by parents anxious because they didn’t fit in, as well as adults also confused about why they seem different. Some have been treated unsuccessfully for social anxiety.
Kaminski is able to put the positives instead. Otroverts are less likely to be indoctrinated; They are deliberately unadventurous because they seek in stay in self-control; they are truly creative (rather than “just gifted”); they are truly empathic – added by the fact that, unable to pick up ‘group’ signals easily, they pay proper attention to everyone; they are original thinkers, unfettered by the need to conform; they can own their own inner dialogue, instead of feeling guilty about negative thoughts.
Kaminski’s case is cogent (although the book could have done with some judicious editing). He includes some case examples and also vividly describes ‘the otrovert life’, from childhood through to old age. Otroverts, once they can acknowledge who they are, can feel free.. Unfortunately, Kaminski praises their characteristics so much that, to me, it seems that he may inadvertently have created a them-and-us situation, where everyone else is dismissed as a ‘communal’ with a hive instinct, who cannot even be alone without tuning into their social antennae, wondering what others thought about something they did or what they might be doing now. Surprisingly, he even asserts that introverts struggle to forge deep one-to-one relationships, seeking communal relationships so that they can better keep their distance. If this sounds like sour grapes on my part, I scored well within the otrovert boundary of the 10-page questionnaire he ends with, fluke or not.
Reviewed by Denise Winn (Oct 25)